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I've long believed that the words we choose in everyday conversation and correspondence play a significant role in shaping our relationships. For example, from the time that our boys began asking questions to which some parents might answer "because I said so," Margaret and I have tried to preface our answers with "because from my experience, that would lead to..." The idea is to use words that show respect rather than condescension, faith instead of distrust, and interest rather than annoyance. Put another way, to build and maintain healthy relationships, I think it's pretty clear that it can only help to choose words that carry a spirit of genuine care versus disdain. So agrees Paul Axtell, author of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids, a must-read for parents, grandparents, and actually anyone who wants to cultivate relationships that are bound by trust and fondness. Here's a look at a few key phrases that Paul encourages all of us to adopt in everyday conversation: I like you. It's important that our kids and those we're closest to know that we love them. But it's probably just as important for them to know that we like them. We're supposed to love our kids. When we say that we like them, we're communicating that we actually enjoy spending time with them, that we would choose to be with them even if they were not our children. This sentiment communicates that we appreciate the way they go about things, which is a completely different flavor than obligatory parental love. You're a fast learner. It's far more common for us to tell our kids how smart they are. This is fine, but smart connotes some innate trait that they haven't worked hard to acquire. It's more empowering to communicate that we are impressed with how quickly they can learn and problem solve. This plants the seed of understanding that nothing of value comes easy, that success in any sphere of life comes from hard work - it's not something that you're born with or are incapable of ever experiencing. If we tell our kids that they're smart, when they come across a problem that they can't solve, they might wonder if we were wrong about how smart they are - in this state, confidence can plummet. But if we praise them for being effective learners, it will be more natural for them to see problems that they can't initially solve as opportunities to exercise their learning skills. Being smart vs. being a fast learner - what a huge distinction. We all make mistakes. This is one that I have been all over from the time that our firstborn could understand. I grew up with first generation, old school Korean parents who were great in some ways, but they were and still are incapable of sharing any of their personal frailties with me and my sisters. This simply wasn't done in their culture and generation. For multiple reasons, moms and dads of my parents' generation didn't have a chance to realize that there were potential benefits to teaching their kids that they, too, made mistakes. Mistakes are only helpful if we actually learn from them. And for most kids, it's easier to learn from their mistakes if they aren't weighed down by the feeling that they are messed up because their parents never made such blunders. With this in mind, I don't hesitate to apologize to my kids if I lose my temper or get impatient with them. I think that giving them a heartfelt apology when necessary helps them distinguish between mature and immature behavior; it also helps them learn how to graciously accept a sincere apology, which is another valuable life skill to have.