Why Marriage Gets Better When You Hit Your 70s

Couples who stay married into their 70s can look forward to an even better time together, research suggests. One reason, it found, is that men learn to appreciate their wives more. Mutual dependence within marriage becomes particularly important to men after 70, partly as compensation for the loss of male friends to death. Another reason is that men are more in touch with their feminine side as they get older and women become more masculinised, making for a more level physical and emotional playing field, the study found. Happy couples also make the most of the empty nest after children have left home, and earlier stressful relationships with them become easier. Top US psychiatrist George E. Vaillant, professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, who has just turned 80, took over the Harvard Grant Study in 1966. It has followed the lives of 268 men from age 19 to 92 years in the longest study of human development, starting in 1938. Prof Vaillant said the Grant study shows that �loving people for a long time is good�. He said �The most important finding proves that the only thing that really matters in life are your relations to other people. �Mutual interdependence comes later to some people than others, but most of the Grant men got there, which proves that the best marriages got better with time.� Of the original 268 men, 242 survived early death with 173 marrying only once. In total, 51 of the 173 from once-only marriages remained happy for half a century, with 73 rated �so-so� and 49 men remaining a lifetime in a poor first marriage. The study findings were based on regular interviews, with men sent a questionnaire eight times, and their wives four times and couples being interviewed together at the age of 30 and again at 80. During the period from age 20 to 70, only 18 per cent of both partners reported their marriages as happy for at least 20 years. By age 75 half of the surviving men did and by 85, the proportion of happy marriages rose to 76 per cent as reported by both partners - who also said they felt healthier than those in less happy marriages. Prof Vaillant said �Friendship and mutual dependence in marriage deepen late after 70. �Indeed, the study documented that, barring brain damage after age 70, marriages get better!� He said men�s tolerance for mutual dependence increased with age and after 70, the men found their marriages more precious. �As one 85-year-old hitherto very independent man acknowledged "You let your wife learn about you�" it was compensation for the loss by death of his many male friends� he added. Prof Vaillant, who is giving a lecture in London tonight (mon) hosted by the relationship charity OnePlusOne (must credit charity) said there were four reasons why marriages improve after 70. Firstly, the so-called empty nest becomes more of a blessing than a burden. Second, the age-related hormonal changes in hormone levels that take place in men and women tend to �feminise� husbands and �masculinise� wives, making for a more level physical and emotional playing field, he said. Third, the physical infirmities of aging make it plainer to both parties that mutual dependence is an advantage rather than a weakness. Finally there is a well documented U-curve to wellbeing over the lifespan, he said, with a low point in middle age when couples may have to deal with ageing parents and needy, possibly ungrateful, adolescent children. �At 80 that angst has passed� he said. Increasing empathy between couples means �the best marriages get better with time� he added. Penny Mansfield, director of OnePlusOne, said �I�ve studied relationships for over 30 years and never seen so much interest especially amongst young people in wanting to discover the secret of how to find the right partner and make a relationship last. �This study offers insight into why relationships matter and what makes them last. �Being able to scrutinise these men�s relationships over more than seven decades gives us a fascinating insight into enduring love. �For some, their long marriages were the outcome of a deepening intimacy, for others it was down to a life- long commitment to staying together.�